For the Toolbox
- Aug 8, 2017
- 3 min read
The last week and a half or so haven’t been all that great. It hasn’t been terrible, and there have been some really good moments. But it’s felt like a barrage of bad news for people we love, unexpected bills, summer colds, messed up schedules, to dos that don’t get done, and meltdowns.
And I would like to say that after almost a dozen years of marriage, my husband and I have it all figured out, that we navigate these disruptions with flexibility, grace, and gentleness. But that is not reality. The reality is that sometimes we forget we are on the same team, get impatient and snippy with each other, and choose not to prioritize time together. Just like any relationship, it’s not always pretty and smooth.
And in these seasons, when life isn’t awful but also isn’t easy, we need to draw from our relational toolboxes. We need to go back to the fundamentals, to the basics that help us to be healthy individuals and a healthy couple, to the things that help connect us and move us closer to each other. We need to remember the tools that we have been given and the strategies that we’ve developed over time.
There are a few phrases that we’ve learned over the course of our marriage that I think are some of the most fundamental relational tools we possess. In times when life isn’t smooth, it’s helpful for me to revisit these phrases and remember their importance. I have found that these phrases aren’t just useful for marriages, but for parenting, friendships, and any close relationship.
No. It may sound paradoxical, but the ability to say no is fundamental to any healthy relationship. We need to be able to have a voice in our relationships, to have a different opinion, and to speak our own thoughts and needs. We also need to be able to hear and respect the Nos of the people we love. In healthy relationships, it is ok to say no to each other. Saying no allows us to be a separate individual within the context of our relationships, and to bring ourselves more fully to the relationship. Saying no can actually increase intimacy when it is spoken and received in healthy ways.
I could be wrong. This sentence gives voice to a very useful relational stance. When we are in a conflict, we are usually pretty convinced that we are right. But we are all flawed and limited human beings. I don’t care how smart or intuitive you are, you could be wrong. I could be wrong. Keeping that in mind can bring a life-giving humility to any relationship.
I’m sorry. It’s fairly common to get to adulthood without ever really learning how to apologize well. At its core, a solid apology says, “I am sorry I (insert poor behavior). I wish I hadn’t done it and I won’t do it again.” We need to be able to own our wrong doing and the harm that it caused. And we need to try to hear and accept apologies from each other.
I forgive you. Any close and intimate relational will involve hurt. It’s an inevitable reality. But hurt does not have to destroy or permanently damage a relationship. One of the most important parts of relational health is learning how to forgive and learning how to accept forgiveness. It isn’t possible to have a deep and meaningful relationship that never involves hurt or tension; it is possible to work through the hurt and tension in a way that solidifies and strengthens the relationship.
I love you. I’m not sure there are more important words in the English language. Words of affirmation are my primary love language, so I know that words feel incredibly important to me. But I also firmly believe that no matter what your love language, you need to hear I love you. A lot. You need to say I love you. A lot.
These three tiny words can speak a world of tenderness and connection. When you speak them, try to look at the person you are talking to. Try to remember that they speak of shared history, commitment, action, and a reality deeper than the conflict in the moment.
Relationships are hard work. The more intimate and connected the relationship, the more potential for joy and comfort and the more potential for hurt and struggle. We need our toolbox to be full of options, full of tools that we can use to connect and care for each other well, in the good times and in the hard times.
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