Some Thoughts on Community

Twice in the last few weeks I have had this chill go through me, this sit-up-and-pay-attention, slap in the face feeling. Both times I was sitting with friends who know me well, talking very honestly about life and relationships. And both times I became suddenly aware that my friends were speaking truths that I needed to hear. Truths that I needed to listen to and soak in.

I know I am biased, but I think my friends are outrageously wise and insightful. And in these moments, they were saying their usual wise and insightful things. We were just talking, but I became acutely aware that what they were saying was what my heart needed.

There is something transformative about having people you love speak truth and encouragement over your life.

It does something for your heart and your soul that you cannot possibly do for yourself.

We want to think that we can do all the things for ourselves. We prize self-sufficiency and independence. One of the highest insults we throw at someone is to call them needy.

And there is most certainly goodness in self-sufficiency, independence, and strength. But there is also a deep goodness in relational need, in interdependence, and in acknowledging that we need each other.

We were created for community and relationship. And not just the “Hi, how ya doing?” “Good, thanks” relationships. But deep and connected and meaningful relationships. Transformation happens in that messy space, where you know people well and they know you well.

Finding and building those relationships is hard work. It takes time and effort and conflict. It means inviting people into hard, ugly places in your life, and being a safe space for someone else. It means prioritizing real conversation above Netflix. Sometimes it means phone calls, even if you’re not a phone person, or early morning walks or breakfasts, even if you’re not a morning person. Sometimes it is awkward and uncomfortable. Sometimes judgement and self-doubt creep in.

It is all part of the process. It can be hard and awkward and uncomfortable, but it can lead to deep, deep goodness. And it is worth it. It is worth it for those moments when you feel seen and known and understood and loved. It is worth it for the moments when someone shows up when you need them. It’s worth it for the moments when you can love and serve someone well.

I know that finding and building a community is hard work. Sometimes we desperately want a place where we feel heard and seen, but we don’t know where to find it.

Community is built one conversation and interaction at a time. And it does take time.

If you are struggling to find community, think of one thing you can do to reach out for connection. It may be to make a phone call, invite someone to dinner, schedule a playdate, or ask someone to work out with you. If you have lots of social engagement but still feel a lack of community, take the risk and practice vulnerability. Share something a little deeper, a little closer to your heart. See what happens. When we practice vulnerability, we invite others to do the same.

Community is not just something that happens, it’s a practice. A practice we need to prioritize and engage in regularly. It’s hard work, but it is worth the effort.

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