To Be Understood

My two-year-old daughter is in that amazing phase of language development where words are becoming sentences and entire worlds of communication are opening up right in front of her. It’s incredible to watch. However, it clear that the process feels painfully slow to her. Now that she knows what communication can achieve, she is frequently frustrated. She can comprehend so much, but what she speaks is often questioned or misunderstood. I can see the tension building in her, and then the relief and joy when she is finally understood.

“Yes. Yes, honey.” She responds while nodding emphatically. (She has taken to calling me honey lately. I love it).

Or, if I’m not getting it right, she repeats herself over and over again until she cannot handle it anymore, and moves into tears and tantrums.

I totally get my daughter’s frustration. Being understood is massively important to me too. It’s massively important to all of us. We have a deep desire to feel known and understood. To have the people we love “get” us. For those we love to know and trust our hearts, to see what is most important to us and why, and to fundamentally understand who we are and where we are coming from. When we feel unseen, unheard, or misunderstood, we very quickly become angry, defensive, scared, and sad.

One of the first things I noticed when I started working with families was how much conflict and hurt stems from not hearing and seeing each other. We get so hooked into our own position and perspective that we forget to pay attention to our partner. We think we are paying attention, and we assume that we understand, but we do not put the work in. And, if both partners are locked into to their position, both feel misunderstood, and conflict and distance grows.

One of my colleagues has this quote hanging in his office:

Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.

David Augsburger

And isn’t it true? When we feel heard, we feel loved. We feel safe. When we don’t feel heard, we feel threated and angry and defensive.

When was the last time you paid attention to hearing to someone? To putting down your phone, turning off the tv, making eye contact, and really listening? When was the last time you put work and effort into really hearing and understanding the important people in your life?

You have the ability to offer those around you a tremendous gift. You don’t need to be a mental health professional in order to listen and understand well. All you need is intention, attention, and a humble heart. As you listen, ask questions to clarify your understanding. Paraphrase what you are hearing, and ask if you are getting it right. Ask if there is anything else that the person wants to share about the topic. Show them that you are listening and that you understand. In that moment, your intention is to understand. Set aside your own opinion and arguments, and actively listen. I believe that the gifts of hearing and understanding can fundamentally change a relationship in revolutionary ways.

Even two year olds long to be understood. Sometimes my daughter wants me to know that she wants the pink cup with the green straw. That is practically important to her. But sometimes, she just wants me to understand something that she saw or heard or felt. Even at such a young age, that relational need is deeply felt. It is that crucial, that important.

I encourage you to offer the gift of understanding today. Really listen, hear, and see the people in your life. Give them the gift of understanding, and watch your relationships change.

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