Offering Support

Have you ever had a friend who was hurting or struggling, a friend that you wanted to help but didn’t know how? Maybe you even asked, “How can I help? What can I do?” and your friend didn’t really have an answer. We don’t want to invade or push boundaries, and so we end up just watching, feeling helpless. In extreme situations, people often seem to know what to do to offer love and support. Ideally, friends and families “circle the wagons,” churches rush in to help, and people feel well-loved and cared for. But sometimes it is hard to know how to best love someone who is in pain. This is certainly true when there is no tragedy present, but life is just hard, or when the pain is chronic. We see our friends hurting, and we want be supportive, we’re just not sure what to do. We offer to help, ask our friends if they need anything, and say all the kind words we can think of. We tell our friends we’re praying for them, and we do. These are wonderful places to start, but sometimes we’re left feeling like we want to do more, but not knowing what.

There are ways that we can practically love and support someone who is struggling, who is walking through a difficult time. The first step is to think about what you know about your friend. I have found three questions very useful in trying to determine how to best support someone.

First, what is their personality type? Do they open their home to anybody or are they more private? Do they seem energized by social gatherings, or do they highly prize their alone time? A person who is extroverted and spontaneous may be encouraged by an impromptu dinner with friends or a “Girl’s Night Out.” A more introverted individual may appreciate your help in clearing space in their life for some alone time, whether by offering babysitting or helping with some household chores.

Second, how does this person tend to offer help to others? Often the ways that we love others offers important information about how we want to be loved. Does your friend always send thoughtful cards or flowers? Are they the first to show up with a home-cooked meal or to hug someone who is crying? These may be the very ways that your friend would best receive love and support.

And finally, think about things you know your friend likes. Is your friend’s day brightened by a fountain drink from the gas station? Does she treat herself with a chocolate dessert on Friday nights? Is music an important part of his life? These preferences and idiosyncrasies can serve as a springboard for excellent ideas on how to best encourage and bless your friend.

Maybe you don’t know the answers to these questions, or are still feeling uncertain about what to do. I have spent time with a lot of people who are in pain, and I have heard many stories about how others have offered care and support. There are certain things that almost everyone appreciates and interprets as loving and supportive.

• Make a meal. If possible, make something that can be frozen or will last in the refrigerator for a few days. This way they can eat it whenever they want it.

• Is the person you want to help a parent with young children? Offer to babysit. If the children are young and still need naps, it might be most helpful to go to the person’s house and watch the kids there while the parent(s) run errands, get coffee, take a nap, take a shower…or whatever else they want and need to do.

• Send or bring flowers. With very few exceptions, everyone (even men!) appreciates getting flowers.

• Tell them you would like to clean their house, not because you saw it and thought it was messy, but because you would like to love them in this way. If they say yes, bring your own cleaning supplies and go to town.

• Buy them a gift certificate for a dinner out, a manicure, a massage, a shopping trip, or anything you think they would enjoy.

• Call and check in on a regular basis. Ask for updates, ask how you can help, and let them know you are thinking of them. If your friend isn't a phone person, try checking in via text. Remember that it's not about if or how they respond, it's about letting your friend know you are thinking about him or her.

• Send a card.

• Offer to spend time together.

• Listen when they want to talk. Try and listen to support and understand, not to offer solutions or advice.

• When you are out running errands, give them a call and ask if you can pick anything up, perhaps a prescription at the pharmacy or a few groceries.

• Bake and deliver cookies.

These are just some of the many practical, real ways that you can express love to someone who is going through a hard time. Do you have other ideas to add to the list? Other ways that someone has helped you through a hard time?

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