When Feelings Aren't Fun
- Lauren Shaw, PhD
- Jun 16, 2015
- 3 min read
Not long ago I was having a conversation with my four-year-old about a fight she had with her brother. “I was so so so so so mad. I don’t like feeling that mad. It’s a bad feeling.” And I know exactly what she meant, because it feels awful to feel that angry. Anger is an unpleasant feeling, sometimes a miserable feeling. But I want my daughter to know that it’s not necessarily a bad feeling. I don’t believe emotions are positive or negative, good or bad. Some are pleasant to experience, others are unpleasant, and all are necessary. Placing a value judgment on an emotion seems to imply that it should be avoided, and this would be neither healthy nor possible. Every emotion serves a purpose. Chip Dodd wrote that “emotions are the voice of the heart.” Our emotions speak to us about what is happening in our hearts, in our truest core. If emotions speak for our hearts, they must be very important. The joy we feel in laughter, the excitement of an upcoming vacation, the tenderness we feel toward our families, they all reveal truths about what is happening in our heart. And, anger, sadness, and grief do the same. They speak to us about loss, perceived unfairness, and pain. In a world of sorrow, suffering, and injustice, our hearts need these tools to speak, to connect with others, and to inform us.
The primary problem with labeling emotions as bad or negative is that it implies it’s desirable to avoid them. And, although nobody seeks out these emotions, they are necessary. As long as we live in a reality where pain and suffering and injustice live, we will experience emotions that do not feel pleasant.
It is not possible to avoid emotions that don’t feel good, but some people do all that they can to try. By disconnecting and disengaging from their hearts, they learn not to hear the voice of their emotions. They use drugs, alcohol, pornography, technology, food, control, or denial to numb out their emotions. They may very rarely feel sadness, grief, or anger. The problem is they rarely feel anything at all. You cannot selectively numb, and when you numb out the uncomfortable emotions, you numb out the positive ones as well. This is denial, and it is dangerous. I have heard many people disparage the “unpleasant emotions.” I frequently hear people say that they cannot trust their emotions, that emotions are foolish. And yes, it would be foolish to act from emotions alone. We need the reason that also exists in our hearts, and we need to choose our actions and responses wisely. But acting without acknowledging our emotions is also foolish. I think people feel comfortable leaving room for these “unpleasant emotions” as they pertain to major life events. Sure, we feel sadness and grief over a loss, we feel angry over racial injustice. But what about when you feel angry that your 4 month old won’t stop crying, or that your spouse is home late for dinner? What about when you are irritated because the commuter next to you won’t stop snapping his gum? What if you are sad because your watch broke? Even these emotions, often labeled petty, are messages from our hearts. We need to hear these messages, identify and experience them, and then move forward.
Anger usually speaks of a perceived injustice. So what does anger at a crying baby say? Well, not having a quiet moment to sleep, eat, or shower certainly feels unfair! We can experience this anger, identify it, and decide what to do with it. We can choose to continue to care for the screaming child, and begin to take some slow, deep breaths. We can remind ourselves that all babies cry and that this will not last forever. We can make a phone call to a friend, asking if they will come watch the baby and give us a short break. We can say a prayer and ask for strength and patience beyond what we currently have. These choices are certainly preferable to ignoring the message from our emotions, which can lead to dramatic outbursts or an overall numbing of the heart, neither of which is desirable. Some emotions aren’t pleasant and do not feel good. However, they are necessary, and they speak of our hearts in ways that can challenge and inform us. It is important to acknowledge our emotions and consider what they are telling us.
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