Explanations and Attributions

Last week I lost my work keys. I pulled up to the office and searched my purse. They weren’t in the pocket I always keep them in, and when I dumped out the whole bag, they were still nowhere to be found. I ended up finding the keys hours later, in a place I am sure I did not put them. It’s an involved and highly plausible explanation, but let me assure you, it was not my fault they ended up there.

The thing is, when my husband loses his keys, I am quick to say that it’s because he is unorganized and inattentive. I tend to use smug statements like “if you just put them in the same place every time.” The truth is, we are much more likely to excuse and explain away our own behavior than the behavior of others.

In social psychology, the Fundamental Attribution Error refers to our tendency to overestimate the significance of internal characteristics in explaining someone else’s behavior. We tend to believe people behave the way that they do because of their personality or because of the kind of person they are, and to downplay the role of situational factors. Conversely, when explaining our own behavior, we tend to rely heavily on situational factors and avoid judging our inner character.

When a cashier is rude and snarly, we assume they are a mean and miserable person, but when we are rude and snarly, we understand that it is because we are distracted and upset by some bad news we got at work. When another driver cuts us off, we are quick to say they are a jerk, but when we cut someone else off it is because we are in a hurry. We behave the way we do because of situations and circumstances, yet others behave the way they do because of their character and personality.

The reality is that we all have stuff going on. We all have stress and pressure, distractions, challenges, and struggles. Maybe we aren’t all facing difficulty today, but all face difficulty. And when we are stressed, tired, struggling, or distracted, we are likely to make mistakes. To forget to return a phone call, to snap instead of speak gently, to lose our keys or forget to replace an empty toilet paper roll. And because we can’t ever completely know the inner world of another person, we are likely to miss the fear, pain, fatigue, or stress contributing to their behavior. And they are likely to miss ours.

The solution is simple. Grace. Lots and lots of grace. Give grace to yourself and to each other. The proverb states “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” We show our wisdom, kindness, and compassion when we respond to other’s mistakes with grace and patience. When we choose to understand that at times each of our behavior is heavily influenced by circumstances and situations, which can be hard and challenging. When we believe the best in others, be they strangers or family members.

The next time a stranger cuts in front of you in line or your spouse gives you an impatient response, try and take a deep breath before coming to any conclusions about their behavior. Remind yourself that you do not know all the circumstances or situational factors that are influencing their behavior, and that in moments of stress and weakness you are prone to the act in the same way. Give them grace and overlook the offense.

#relationships #laurenshaw #communication #attributions #counseling #grace