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Facing Depression

Lauren Shaw, PhD
Apr 20, 2015
3 min read

When I was in college, one of my dear friends struggled with severe depression. We weren’t able to see each other often, yet had managed to stay in close contact after graduating high school, and I felt deeply saddened by how much she was hurting. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say or how to help, and I felt our relationship slowly fading. Looking back, I wish I had been better equipped to walk with my friend through that hard time. I wish that I had been bolder and braver in reaching out and asking questions, and quicker to offer support.

I know that I am not alone in my uncertainty over how to care for a loved one who is struggling with depression. Depression is incredibly common, affecting more than 19 million Americans every year, yet we still don’t really talk about mental illnes or how to love someone who is dealing with it.

We use the term depression very loosely in every day conversation. We say we are depressed because it’s raining or because the grocery store is out of our favorite kind of ice cream. And we all feel sad sometimes, struggle with hard issues, and have bad days and weeks.

Yet clinical depression is much more than a bad week or an emotional reaction to a disappointment. Depression is consuming, engulfing all aspects of daily life. Depression makes it difficult to function at home, at work or school, and in social situations. Depression turns daily activities into work, and fun activities into obligations to be endured. Depression involves feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and worthlessness with little to no relief. Depression can impact sleep, appetite, energy, patience, focus, and concentration. Depression doesn't go away after a day or two, but lasts for weeks on end.

Perhaps you read that last paragraph and saw yourself. If so, please seek talk to someone. Your doctor, a teacher, a co-worker, a pastor, a trusted friend. The act of sharing where you are at and how you are feeling can be helpful. Then, seek professional help. Depression is a mental illness, and treatment can help tremendously. When you are depressed, it is hard to imagine that anything could work or help. It is important to remember that the hopelessness that says things will not get better is a function of the depression, and not the truth. The truth is that there is hope and there is help.

Perhaps you read the description of depression and saw someone you care about. It can be hard to know how to love and care for someone struggling with depression. It may not always feel easy or natural, and at times it may feel like they are withdrawing from you. I believe that the best thing you can do for someone who is struggling with depression is to show up. Treat them with compassion and kindness. Acknowledge your own brokenness and struggle, and refrain from judgment. Let them know that you want to support them, but don’t always know how. Bring them a meal, bring them flowers, send a kind note, offer to go on a walk together. If they aren’t seeking help, encourage them to do so. And be patient. Depression is a serious condition, and though there is hope and healing, it often takes time. Be a faithful friend during the healing process.

When I was in college, a part of me thought that loving someone who is hurting meant having the right words to say. Now I know that is far from the truth. Much more often, loving someone means showing up and being present, even when know there are no right words.