The Big But

The other day my daughter and I were coloring and talking and she exclaimed “My mouth surprised me! I didn’t know I was going to say that!” I think a lot of us can relate to her surprise. Sometimes it feels like our words are spoken before we’ve even had a chance to think them.

One of the most important lessons that I want to teach my children is that our words matter. Our words matter so very, very much. Words have the power to build up, to heal, to encourage, to breathe life into the broken. And words have the power to destroy, to wound, to discourage, and to damage hearts and homes and relationships.

And because words matter so much, we need to pay attention to them. Sometimes a very little word can change the content and the message of what we are trying to say, and communicate something very different than we intend.

Have you ever heard someone say something like: “She has a great personality, but sometimes she is kind of controlling.” Or, “I am sorry, but I didn’t think that comment would offend you.” Or, “I love him, but he kind of smells bad.”

In each of these cases, one tiny word changes the meaning of the sentence. It turns a compliment into an insult. It invalidates an apology. It diminishes a statement of affection. One little three letter word, one Big But, changes everything.

When we add a “but” to a sentence, we risk invalidating the entire first half of the sentence. What we said first doesn’t matter so much, or may not be true at all. It seems like such an insignificant word, yet it changes the entire tone and meaning of a sentence.

Sometimes our communication would be clearer, cleaner, and kinder, if we just stopped before the “but.” As in, “I am sorry,” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Sometimes when we go on, we take away the value and intention of our apology. If it feels like there is more to say, more to explain, try doing so without the “but.” Let your apology stand on its own.

Other times, we need to share multiple pieces of information and “but” seems like the logical connection. Imagine that someone asked you to describe your child’s personality. “He is smart and funny and creative. But sometimes he is incredibly stubborn and has a hard time sitting still.” When we describe people or situations in this way, our little “but” implies that it contradicts the first part. But all of these statements can be true. There is great power in turning the “but” into an “and.” “He is smart and funny and creative and stubborn and has a hard time sitting still.” It’s one little shift, but I can tell you from hours and hours of observed communication, it carries a very different message.

It may seem to be kind of ridiculous to write an entire post about such a small, throw-away word. But (see what I did there? One little word and I am disputing my entire last sentence!) it is a word that can change the meaning of our communication, sometimes without our intention or even awareness. I think many times we use “but” without any understanding of how it will impact what we are trying to say.

So the next time you apologize, the next time you share pieces of conflicting information, the next time you are offering constructive criticism, beware the Big But. End your sentence. Use the word “and.” Your words matter, and if you choose them carefully, they can have tremendous power.

#communication #relationships #laurenshaw #thearlingtoncenter #words