You're Not Alone

By Lauren Shaw, PhD

Someone got into my van the other day, looked around and observed, “This is a mess.” To which I could only agree. There are stray hats and gloves, granola bar crumbs, empty coffee cups, and a sippy cup or two rolling around on the floor. For some reason I cannot understand, there are a few small socks on the floor. It’s a mess. And it kind of bothers me.

As does the basket of clean, unfolded laundry and the heap of unwashed laundry. And the unprinted and unorganized pictures. And so on and so forth. Sometimes I feel like I should be able to successfully do my job as a psychologist, maintain meaningful relationships with my husband, family, and friends, and keep my house (and van) clean and in order. I should be able to do all of this while lovingly raising three young children. To be completely honest, every week something slips, and sometimes a lot of things slip. I am doing my best, but there is a lot going on.

Most of us have a lot going on. Most of us are juggling multiple roles and competing demands on our lives. There is work, relationships, household tasks, and competing schedules. There are calls to make, bills to pay, and dinners to prepare. We want to grow spiritually, we want to nourish our relationships, we want to nurture those we love. Add to that any “big” life stressors, like illness or death in the family, marital problems, mental health issues, or financial problems. It’s a lot, and sometimes it is overwhelming and hard.

But most people walk through life thinking that it is just them. We think that everyone else is managing fine, but we are struggling. We think everyone else is “all set,” but we are barely hanging on. We think that everyone else has floors that are swept, extra money in the bank, and children sleeping peacefully by 7 p.m.

The truth is that everyone has struggles. Everyone has pain. It is not always easy for anyone. We may have different priorities, different things that we let slip. We may have different ways of managing the struggle and different ways we handle the hard times. But everyone has their struggle.

And one of the hardest parts of any struggle is feeling alone in it.

So let’s stop. Let’s stop perpetuating the idea that we have it all together. Let’s allow safe people into our lives, into the messy and unswept corners. Let’s confess that our children seem to fight constantly or that we’re barely managing to find time and space to connect with our spouse. Let’s be honest about struggles with anger, depression, or anxiety. Remember, it’s not about a competition to be won or lost. It’s about acknowledging that we’re in it together. Let’s show up in our relationships and be real with our hearts.

I’ve heard it said that some of the most powerful words in any language are “me too,” and I believe that to be true. You and I may not be struggling with the same thing, but we both know what it is like to struggle. By sharing our struggles, we offer a genuine “me too.” We say, “I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect you to be either.” We tell each other that we are not alone. And that is one of the greatest gifts we can offer.

I am doing my best to stop pretending it is easy when it is not, to stop pretending like I can do it all when I know I cannot. I am working to let people into the good and the hard, the messy and the neat. Will you try too?

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