I'm Sorry

By Lauren Shaw, Ph.D.

Have you ever watched two kids get in trouble and be forced to apologize to one another? They look at the sky, at the ground, anywhere but at each other. They mumble words so quickly and softly that it’s impossible to really understand what they are saying, but it sounds something like “I’m sorry.”

Sadly, many of us never really grow in our apologizing skills. Apologizing can be tricky. It’s humbling, and can feel awkward and embarrassing. It is painful to recognize that we did something wrong and caused someone else pain. It can be even more painful to acknowledge it out loud, in front of another person, and risk their response. But apologizing well is an absolutely essential skill for navigating healthy interpersonal relationships.

At its core, an apology is an expression of regret for something you have done wrong. It is a genuine and sincere statement that you messed up. Most of the time, apologizing means “I wish I hadn’t done it, and I won’t do it again.” A genuine apology can heal wounds, repair relationships, and restore brokenness. “I’m sorry” are two of the most powerful words in the English language.

So how do we apologize well? The best apologies happen face to face. Believe it or not, I have heard of more than one person who tried to apologize for a relatively serious offense over a post-it note. Texting isn’t much better. When possible, look the other person in the eye when you apologize. Speak clearly. Say, “I am sorry for (the thing I did wrong). Will you forgive me?”

One of the biggest mistakes we make when apologizing is expressing regret for someone else’s feelings or experiences. For example, “I’m sorry that you’re mad. I didn’t mean to offend you when I said that” or “I am sorry you think this is a big deal. I just don’t.” These aren’t real apologies; we aren’t acknowledging any wrong doing or regret on our part, we are saying we wish the other person didn’t have the emotional reaction that they did. This kind of apology is more harmful than helpful, and tends to increase conflict and feelings of resentment.

Another common mistake is apologizing for things we don’t really feel regretful for. Sometimes we apologize in order to smooth things over, to get rid of tension as quickly as possible. We rapidly spew whatever words will make the conflict go away, whether we mean it or not. Not long ago, I watched one toddler grab a toy from another while saying “I’m sorry I snatched!” The apology and the action occurred simultaneously….which made me seriously doubt the sincerity of the apology. When we apologize, we are saying that we regret our behavior and do not intend to repeat it. Without the regret, it’s not a true apology.

We are all going to make bad choices and we are all going to hurt the people we love, sometimes accidentally and sometimes on purpose. We will damage our most treasured relationships, in so many big and little ways. But this sad reality is not the end of the story. Relationships can be repaired, and sometimes the very tears that threaten to rip us apart become the source of tremendous growth and healing.

In order for this to be true at the deepest level, we need to know how to apologize. We need to risk offering our flaws and brokenness up to another, and we need to admit to ourselves and each other that we caused pain. We need to express regret for our actions, express our desire not to repeat our wrong, and to ask for forgiveness. A sincere apology is a powerful thing.

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