Easy Answers

There was a time when grocery shopping with my children was a nightmare. I would wear my youngest in the Moby wrap, put my two-year-old in the cart, and have my four-year-old walk next to me. It was always a disaster. It was particularly difficult with my middle child, who would climb out of the cart, run down the aisle, melt down, etc., etc., etc.

I was sharing these woes with a moms’ group I was a part of at the time, and a mom with older children looked at me pityingly.

“It’s really simple. When she climbs out or doesn’t stay by you, you just say, ‘that’s fine, we are going to keep shopping.’ And you walk away from her. She will follow, I promise.”

I didn’t feel great about that strategy. It sounded simple and straightforward, but it really didn’t sit right. But I was desperate. And she said “it’s simple. You just…” Maybe I had been missing something all along.

I tried her strategy the next time the four of use were out shopping. My daughter screamed about being in the cart, climbed out, and sat on the ground. She started yelling about something. I calmly said she needed to come with me. She screamed. I told her we were going to continue shopping, turned the cart around, and walked the other direction.

My daughter looked up in shock. She stood up. She raised two defiant fists in the air. “FREEDOM!!” she yelled, and turned and ran the other way. I stared at her in disbelief until she was out of sight.

I ended up chasing her, wrangling her back in the cart. I felt sweaty and defeated. If it was so simple, if you “just” did the thing, why wasn’t it working for me?

This has been my experience with most parenting advice, books, and seminars. The things that are presented as simple do not work, at least not for all my children, and not permanently. There is no universal formula, no magic solution.

Anyone who says parenting is simple is selling you something. Anyone who claims a magic solution or a new kid by Monday is lying. They may have some wonderful strategies and interventions that may be very helpful. They may have a lot to teach you, and you may benefit immensely from what they have to offer. But there is no magic, one-size-fits-all solution. There’s just not.

And that’s not only true about parenting. This is true for most of life. There are very few simple solutions for the things that most of us struggle with. There are experts, doctors, teachers, and therapists who can provide support and assistance, who can offer helpful strategies and interventions. I certainly don’t want to minimize the wealth of knowledge and support that is out there.

This is one of those grand paradoxes in life. There is no easy, magic answer. There’s no Great and Powerful Oz who can instantly solve all your problems. But there are wise people, trained professionals, and faithful friends who can counsel you and support you so that you are not alone and you have help.

There is a degree of shame that I see people carrying because they haven’t “figured it out.” I see people reading books and listening to speakers who offer some solution, and feeling bad about themselves because the solution doesn’t work. I see well-intentioned people offering advice that says, “just do this,” which often leaves the struggling person feeling unseen and invalidated.

Our lives and challenges and relationships are complex. Struggles are real and challenging and difficult. People don’t all respond the same way to the same things. Don’t lose hope if a one-size-fits-all solution doesn’t work for you or for your child or for your marriage.

Give yourself credit for how difficult the challenge is and how hard you are working. Find people who will support you and professionals who will help you find strategies and interventions that do fit for you.

And, as a side note: be gracious with the parents and children losing thier marbles in the grocery store. They really are doing their best.

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