In Comparison

Last Tuesday was Halloween, and, as in living rooms across the country, my children came home to examine their treasure. They sorted candy. They counted candy. They traded candy. I swear, the after party was as big of a hit as the actual trick-or-treating.

When they first dumped out their buckets, my son could hardly believe how much candy he had.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much candy in one place before in my life.”

But then he and his sisters started counting, and to his despair, he discovered that his younger sister had 13 more pieces than he did. Suddenly, instead of an abundance of candy, he had a shortage. Suddenly life wasn’t fair.

Boy, can I relate.

I have trouble staying in my lane. I find myself looking to those around me and gauging where I think I should be. I look at how clean or well-decorated their homes are and start to notice how mine measures up. I look at how close their relationships seem to be, what they are invited to or included in, what they are doing together without me. I look at the work they are doing, how they are parenting, how much money they make, how much they serve their community, and how they look.

I look at other people to gauge how I am doing or what I “should” be doing. And the result is that I go from being in a place of abundance to a place of lack.

It’s a bad game, but it’s one that many of us place. We compare our resources, our performances, our very selves. Social media fuels the game, when we see the shiny, filtered images of each other’s lives instead of the messy, gritty reality. We know our own junk drawers, but we don’t often know each other’s. And, even when we do, we compare, and someone always loses. If we come out ahead in the comparison, we are left feeling mean and small. If we come out behind (which is more common), we are left feeling shame, insecurity, and scarcity.

I have a full life. I have a job to do, children to parent, a community to love and serve. I have people whom I love who are counting on me to be present with them. And when I compare myself to others, I take myself out of that life and away from the people and work that need my attention. My perceived sense of scarcity contributes to a real detachment from my life and self and relationships.

When I take my focus off my lane, I inevitably swerve.

This is not new information. There are countless quotes and memes and books and blogs telling us that comparison is the thief of joy and that we shouldn’t compare ourselves to strangers on the internet. We know these things, but we still do it. So how do we stop?

First of all, when our minds run rampant with comparisons, it’s a good time to take a break from social media. Social media fuels the comparison game, even when we aren’t aware of it. At a subconscious level, social media encourages us to compare our worlds to those of others, through the veil of a screen, filters, and carefully curated images. When we find ourselves comparing, it’s a good time to take a social media fast and refocus on the actual, three-dimensional world around us.

Second, gratitude is a fast antidote to comparison. When we stop and intentionally note the good things in our life, when we give thanks for the gifts we have been given, our minds and hearts are re-directed to a place of abundance. The daily practice of intentional gratitude can be transformative.

I’ve written about the comparison game before, and I’m quite sure I will write about it again. It’s sneaky and insidious and creeps into my mind and heart on a regular basis. I am trying to learn to be on guard against it and to develop intentional practices to remind me to stay in my lane.

There’s plenty of candy for all of us.

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