Relational Repairs
- Lauren Shaw, Ph.D.
- Sep 18, 2017
- 3 min read
I have a confession. Once I yelled at my sister. I probably have yelled at her many times, over the course of growing up together, but it's been decades since we were in that stage of life. But one time, as a fully grown, supposed-to-be-mature adult, I yelled at her. I had just moved across the country, and was about as tired and emotional as I have ever been. There was a minor misunderstanding and I lost it. And I yelled at her in a way that felt pretty shocking to us both.
My sister knows me better than almost anyone else in the world. We have known and loved each other through so many seasons. I never worry about the security of our relationship. It feels as unshakable as almost anything I know. Sometimes we get crabby and snarky with each other. We know each other’s weaknesses and imperfections very well. But we love each other and we like each other, and our relationship is one of the most precious things in my life. And I don’t yell at her.
But that day I did. And then I cried and cried. It was a really bad day.
And I remember thinking that it was going to be hard to repair that. That I had just messed up and damaged something I treasure. But shockingly, it was not hard to repair it. We talked about what had happened. We both cried some more. I said I was sorry and she forgave me. Later that day we went shopping and ate frozen yogurt. It was a bad day, but our relationship came out fine.
This incident speaks to how gracious my sister is, but it also speaks to a deeper relational truth. In so many ways, it is not the mistakes we make in our relationships that determine how healthy the relationship it is. It is how we repair the damage and move forward.
We all make mistakes. Even the most loving spouse will forget something important, say something unkind, or act in a critical or defensive way. Even the most patient parent will speak harshly, lose their temper, or fail to provide something their child needs. Even the best friend will make a mistake, not be present in the way that we need them to be, or say the wrong thing. We all make mistakes.
When a relationship is healthy and solid, it contains the resources to recover from these mistakes. It’s like having money in a savings account to cover an unexpected car repair. We build up our relational accounts by paying attention to each other, investing in our relationships, listening well, and really seeing each other. When these things happen on a consistent basis, the relationship can endure the fights and mistakes that are part of any human relationship.
But it’s not enough to say that we have a strong relationship and therefore our mistakes or bad behavior can just be excused and forgotten. We need to know how to repair the damage that has occurred. There are many, many ways that this can happen. Sometimes taking time and space and then coming back together can repair the damage. Sometimes humor can quickly repair a small relational injury. Much of the time, talking through the conflict and coming to mutually-satisfactory resolution will do the job.
Every relationship is different. What it means to invest in relationship looks different, depending on the context of the relationship and the needs of each person. I invest in my relationship with my son when I cheer him on at a soccer game, read to him, and talk to him about his day. I invest in my relationship with my friend when I initiate time together, bring her coffee, and check in regularly via text. Investment looks different, but is key for every relationship.
The same is true for repair. With a child, repair will often involve physical affection and time. With an adult, more conversation and intentional communication will be key. Every relationship is different, but it is crucial that we know how to invest in our relationships and repair damage when it occurs.
I haven’t yelled at my sister again, and I don’t plan on it. But I am glad to know that if I did, we have the skills it takes to repair the damage and move on.
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