The Good Struggle
- Lauren Shaw, PhD
- Jul 31, 2017
- 3 min read
I am one of those parents who really, really hates to hear their babies cry. It triggers some sort of physical alarm in me, and I feel this desperate need to rush in and do whatever I can to comfort them. This is a mostly healthy thing, a biological drive that helps me protect and care for my children well.
But there are times when this is not such a good thing. When my firstborn was tiny, I remember moving in to immediately scoop him up when he cried. One time he was trying to pull himself up onto a coffee table, and kept getting frustrated and fussing. One of my wise friends gently suggested I let him keep working at it and not intervene. “It’s a good struggle,” she said.
I never knew how hard it would be to watch my children struggle, even the good struggles. It feels so strange to step back and let them deal with challenges, face discomfort, and experience frustration. But if I never let them struggle, they will never learn and grow.
There is a significant difference between hurting and harming, between experiencing discomfort and experiencing harm. Harm is destructive, a damaging and negative force in a person’s life. Sometimes relationships require us to take actions that are not harmful, but may lead to someone feeling hurt, pain, or discomfort. Sometimes our most loving action toward someone is something that does not feel comfortable or pleasant to them.
There are so many clear examples of this in parenting, but it can play out in all relationships. A co-worker risks embarrassing me a little bit by telling me I have cilantro in my teeth (which may have just happened), but saves me the major embarrassment of walking into my next session with a big green leaf between my teeth. It’s a minuscule sting, but it is actually to my benefit. I risk my children feeling uncomfortable and scared when I take them to the dentist, but I help them keep their teeth. My husband risks my anger when he confronts me on something, but values the health of our marriage more than either of our comfort in the moment.
None of these actions, the confronting and calling out, the uncomfortable appointment, the facing of consequences, feel good to the person on the receiving end. These actions may result in someone feeling awkward or uncomfortable; they may even cause pain. But, they do not cause lasting harm, and ultimately can help move the person or the relationship toward a healthier and better place.
Sometimes loving someone means giving them space to work through what they need to work through, rather than rushing in to rescue them. Sometimes loving someone means allowing them to face the natural consequences of their actions, consequences we may be able to spare them from, but then would shelter them from the opportunity to learn and grow. Sometimes we have to allow people to experience pain.
This concept even plays out at an intrapersonal level. I woke up at 5:00 this morning to go on a run. Both the hour and the activity felt painful. However, hours later, I do feel healthier because of this choice. I know that I was taking care of myself and my body in a way that feel meaningful. I was not harmed by the experience, but rather am benefitting from it. Getting up at dawn to run hurt me, but did not harm me; rather, it moved me toward health.
I deeply believe in loving and serving, in actively helping others where we can. As a parent, I desperately want to protect my children from experiencing pain. However, I am learning the importance of a good struggle. I see the deep value and benefit of facing natural consequences, learning to delay gratification, and building up the ability to tolerate distress. I see the good that can come from speaking the difficult truthes and confronting unresolved conflict in relationships. All of these things require us to act in ways that may lead to our discomfort or the discomfort of someone else. And that can be okay. There is such a thing as a good struggle.
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