People Aren't Math

I read a lot of birthing/baby/parenting books when I was pregnant with my first child. My favorite book had a very specific plan, and guaranteed that if you followed the plan, you would have a happy, healthy child who ate and slept and played when you wanted him to eat and sleep and play. It also stated that parents with infants and toddler who did not eat and sleep and play when the parents wanted were doing something wrong.

I loved the book. I outlined it. I printed charts. I made plans.

I should’ve known better.

When my son was born, I followed the program. But my son still didn’t sleep when I wanted him to sleep. He woke up from naps much sooner than the book said he should, and seemed tired and ready for bed before the suggested time. He refused solid food when the book suggested he should be ready. I felt like I was playing by the rules and he was not.

You know why?

Because people aren’t math. In math, 2 plus 2 always equals four. In relationships, sometimes 2 plus 2 equals purple. People and relationships are never totally known quantities with totally predictable properties.

Even tiny babies have their own wants and needs and rhythms. Toddlers have a logic that is entirely their own, and largely indecipherable to adults. Teenagers and adults have their own histories, stories, and processes. In relationships, there is no guarantee that adding 2 to 2 will get you four.

Most of us want the formulas though. We want the books or seminars or gurus that will tell us to do this and then do that, and our children or spouse or boss will respond in the way we want them to. We want our therapist to tell us exactly what to say to get the relational outcome that we want.

There certainly are strategies and general guidelines that are helpful in relationships. Actively and genuinely listening to someone (no matter their age) usually helps any situation. Abundant love, consistent boundaries, and natural consequences are good parenting tools. Treating people, including yourself, with kindness and respect can go a long way. And there are specific strategies that help in specific situations. Asking wise people what has worked for them, seeking counseling, consulting research, and reading books can all be very helpful practices.

But there is no magic answer, no formula that can tell you exactly what to do to get exactly the result you want. I urge you to be very, very skeptical about any book or “expert” who guarantees a relational outcome if you follow their program. That is just not how people work.

And that is both terrifying and wonderful. I am so, so glad that people aren’t like math. People surprise me all the time. People are endlessly fascinating, persistently creative, resilient beyond belief. People come up with new and unexpected ways to respond to stories that are old as time.

There are many days where I wish there was a formula that could guarantee that my children would grow up to kind and loving adults. To be honest, I still really wish there was a formula that could get my children to sleep and eat when I want them to.

But that would take so much of the joy out of it. If my children always responded to the formulas, it would come at a cost, and the cost would be all the wonder and unpredictability and magic of each little personality. That would come at the cost of their uniqueness, their free will, and their independence. Those are not things I am willing to give up.

People and relationships do not perfectly follow any equation or model. There is wise counsel and there are useful strategies, but there Is no guarantee that if you handle a situation a certain way, the person you are interacting with will respond the way you want them to. This is true in parenting, marriage, friendships, and all other forms of relationships. And that is a scary thing, but it’s also a really good thing. I am so glad that people are not math.

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