Tough and Tender

Years ago I watched my sister run the Chicago marathon. It was October, but it was ridiculously, dangerously hot. It was so hot that they actually shut the marathon down as the morning went on, but she was far enough through that she was able to finish. As she neared the finish line, we could see that her face was bright red and shockingly white. She was dripping with sweat and clearly overheated, but she triumphantly finished the race, stubbornness and determination in each step. As soon as she finished, she immediately started crying and shaking. She was so happy, so proud of what she had accomplished. And she was so, so tired, after physically and emotionally and mentally using every drop of strength that she had.

I can remember watching her and being aware that I was seeing such a powerful picture of toughness and tenderness. She had just completed this tremendous feat, which had required so much of her. She was undeniably tough. And she was overwhelmed by her feelings, so aware of what she had accomplished and what the experience meant to her and so grateful to be surrounded by her family. She was all this toughness and tenderness in one sweaty, tear-filled moment.

Tough and tender. We tend to categorize them as masculine and feminine traits, but I believe that they are fundamentally human traits. We all have toughness and tenderness in us. We hear a lot that boys are tough and girls are sensitive, but as a parent, I see a lot of tough and tender in all my children. It doesn’t fall down gender lines. In fact, my daughter is one of the very toughest people I have ever met, and my son’s tender heart is a constant gift to our family.

We are all tough and tender, and we deeply need both parts. We deeply need the part of ourselves that can push past pain and discomfort, that can persevere, that can work hard and rally and overcome. And we deeply need the part of ourselves that is sensitive and responsive, that feels things for ourselves and others. We need the part of us that is affectionate and gentle.

We can easily get to a point, without even being aware of it, where we only live out of one of these traits. We can get so used to being strong and tough that we forget to let ourselves feel, forget to be gentle, forget to connect with our feelings and listen to them. Or, we get so used to being tender and sensitive that we forget our inner fortitude, our perseverance, our rally cry.

But the tough doesn’t have to harden the tender, and the tender need not overwhelm the tough.

Toughness and tenderness are not opposites, but two parts of the comprehensive whole of who you are. We need both our toughness and our tenderness to navigate the complexities of our world and our relationships. We need both toughness and tenderness, sometimes alternatingly and sometimes at the same time.

For example, family life requires both toughness and tenderness in unfathomable measure. It takes tremendous toughness to work for a marriage year after year. You have to be tough to endure pregnancy, childbirth, sleepless nights, teething, tantrums, and the Backyardigans themes song. But you also have to be constantly ready to soften, to listen, to be compassionate, and to connect. To listen to your spouse with your whole heart. To nurture your children.

In fact, it’s not just family life that requires both our toughness and our tenderness, it’s all of life. It’s our relationships and our work and our faith. We need both of these qualities in strong measure in order to meaningfully navigate our lives.

You are both tough and tender. You have both parts in you, and the world needs both parts of you. When have you seen yourself act out of your toughness? When do you see tenderness? Where do you need to draw from both in this season of life? I encourage you to think through these questions and consciously move forward in a way that gives voice to both your toughness and your tenderness.

#tough #tender #laurenshaw #thearlingtoncenter #arlingtoncounselingassociates #therapy #counseling #selfawareness