Permission

A few weeks ago I was debating whether or not to attend a social gathering. I had a long list of reasons why I wanted to go and reasons why I felt like I should go. But I was totally exhausted and not feeling great. The idea of lugging all my kids and their stuff and sunscreen and swim suits just made me want to crawl in a hole and take a really long nap. I was texting with a friend about the dilemma, about how I wanted to go, felt like I should go, but was so tired and overwhelmed by the thought.

She texted back, “I give you permission to stay home, if you need permission. I think it is wise if you choose to stay at home and take care of yourself.” And then she wrote some encouraging words, speaking exactly to the place where my insecurities live, the place she knew would be triggered if I chose not to go.

I am a grown woman. I know this. I know that I technically do not need permission to skip a play date, but it sure felt good to be given permission.

It made me think about how in therapy I often give my clients permission. Permission to feel the thing they think they shouldn’t feel. Permission to speak the truth they’ve been told not to speak. Permission to take care of themselves. Sometimes it’s relatively small things, like choosing to take care of themselves instead of going to a play date. But sometimes it’s much bigger things, like permission to grieve loudly and deeply, or permission to finally share the truth of their story with the people they love.

I’ve noticed that there is almost always a deep exhale of relief when I give people permission to do or say the thing they really want to do or say. There is almost always a truth and freedom in that moment. I am not bringing the idea or thought or feeling to the table; it’s always there inside of them, asking for permission to be shared and expressed. And when that permission is given, when freedom is spoken, it’s a powerful moment.

I am not talking about giving people permission to do something that will harm someone else or act in a way that violates their moral code. I am not talking about erasing accountability or ignoring consequences. I am talking about permission to feel the real feelings, say the real things, and responsibly and mindfully care for themselves and others.

I didn’t end up going to the play date, and the decision to lay low with my kids that day felt like a good one. I am working to continue to give myself permission to take care of myself well, to speak gently to myself, and to listen to what I need each day. I am also learning to work through these decisions with safe people who can see me and speak truth when I need to hear it. I encourage you to do the same.

In the meantime, today I would like to offer a permission slip. You have permission to feel your feelings, whatever they are today. What you do with those feelings may be a more complex issue, and feeling a feeling is different than acting on it. Today, you have permission to feel happy, sad, angry, scared, excited, tender, or whatever it is that you feel. Today you have permission to speak the truth in safe places. You have permission to tell your story. You have permission to ask for help. You have permission to take care of yourself well. To move your body, to go to bed early, to go outside, to nourish your physical and emotional self. You have permission to leave the counter cluttered and to play with your kids or talk to your spouse or read your book. Today, you have permission to feel your feelings, speak the truth, and care for yourself well.

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