I See You
- Jun 6, 2017
- 3 min read
My son has been struggling with a lot of bedtime fears. He is the oldest and most independent, so many nights at bedtime his younger sisters get a lot more time and attention. And, to be totally honest, by bedtime I am usually overstimulated and tired and ready for everyone to be sleeping quietly and peacefully. I would like to say that as soon as my son shares a fear I am quick to stop what I am doing and look at him and pay close attention. The reality is that I am usually brushing someone’s teeth, picking underwear up off the bathroom floor, and quickly telling him that aliens invading our home is not something he needs to be worrying about.
One night he called me into his room for the seventeen thousandth time. His sisters were finally sleeping, and I sat on the side of his bed.
“You aren’t really listening to me and I feel sad. I am really scared.”
His words hit me like a slap, and I started to really pay attention to what he was saying. I had been trying so hard to get through bedtime that I wasn’t taking him seriously. I wasn’t remembering what it felt to be eight and convinced that a bad guy was going to come in through the window or a monster was lurking in my closet. I wasn’t connected to my own current fears, only marginally more sophisticated than bad guys and monsters.
I snuggled up next to him. I asked him to tell me all the things he feared, and rather than quickly telling him that monsters aren’t real, I listened. I asked questions. I told him that the things he is afraid of do sound scary. When he stopped I said, “tell me more.”
Once he had given voice to all the night’s fears, we talked about all the things that keep us safe. We talked about the things we believe that are bigger and stronger than we are. We breathed out our fear and slowly breathed in truth. We prayed. It helped. As I kissed him and walked out of his room he said, “thank you for hearing my scared.”
As I walked down stairs, I realized how much we all want someone to hear our fear. When we are worried or concerned or scared, we don’t want someone to quickly dismiss it and move on. We don’t want to be flippantly told that everything will work out and it will all be fine. We definitely don't want to be told "just don't worry about it." Sincere reassurance may be helpful eventually, but first we need our fear heard and seen and we need to know that it matters.
This is true whether we are eight, thirty-eight, or eighty-eight. We need our fear to be heard and seen and we need to know that it matters.
I think there is a mistaken belief that if we gloss over or move away from our fear, it will go away. This is not how fear and worry work. When we ignore and move away from our fear, it follows us and growls louder. We can keep trying to move faster and block it out, but it will continue the pursuit. When we stop, look our fear in the eyes, and acknowledge its presence, it stills and often shrinks. The fear may still be there, but it loses much of its power and strength.
This is the reality of all our emotions. When we ignore, minimize, run, dismiss, or stuff, they grow in power and strength. They leak out in ways that are hard to understand and impossible to control. When we face our emotions and acknowledge their presence, they lose much of their intensity and control. When we face them in the presence of a safe person, they immediately become less overwhelming. This is how emotions work.
We need to learn how to pay attention to, acknowledge, and care for our own emotions. We can love those around us by paying attention to and acknowledging their emotions.
It’s interesting to me that when I was brushing past my son’s fears, bedtime took a lot longer. When I sat down, paid attention, and connected with him in his feelings, he fell asleep much more quickly and peacefully.
I believe that we make our lives so much more difficult when we try to run past and rush through our feelings. I’m trying to slow down and pay more attention, not just for my kids, but for myself too. I'm trying to learn how to acknowledge my feelings and treat them like they matter. I'm trying to speak them honestly in front of safe people. It's hard work, especially at bedtime, but I believe that it's worth it.
Comments