7:08 A.M.

The other morning my daughter refused to share her brand-new markers. My son got mad said something unkind. They both cried. In his frustration, my son exclaimed “I thought today was going to be a good day. Now it’s ruined!”

It was 7:08 a.m.

My children have this tendency to make one thing about all the things. A conflict in the morning means the day is ruined. A dinner that they don’t like means I never cook anything they want. I say no to a trip to the playground and we never get to go anywhere fun.

It’s not very pleasant, though I have been assured it is very common and entirely developmentally appropriate.

It drives me totally crazy. When I hear one of those statements, I think my head is going to explode, and I imagine throwing myself on the floor in a full-out, toddler-style tantrum of my own.

Part of the reason it makes me so crazy is that I do it too. I do it in subtler, slightly more sophisticated ways, but I do it too.

When my husband forgets to do something I ask, I am quick to call it a pattern. When I feel left out or excluded, it’s easy for me to jump to broad conclusions about my friendships in general. When one part of my work day is hard and intense, I am quick to say that it was a hard and intense day.

I know this makes me sound like a delightful human being, but I have a strong feeling that I am not alone in this pattern.

We tend to generalize, to feel a big feeling and let it cloud our day, our relationships, our work, our life. We hear a judgement from one person and assume that is the opinion of all people. It’s like calling a game before the final inning, or maybe even before the third inning. Those of us who are strong feelers and highly relational are more prone to this type of overgeneralization.

Sometimes a big, hard thing does shadow and shade everything else. A significant loss, a chronic problem, a relationship that is consistently a source of conflict and pain. I am not minimizing the impact of a long, hard struggle.

But often we see a pattern before it’s actually a pattern. There are many ways this plays out.

We name a stage in a child’s life a characteristic. If my parents had chosen to define their picture of me by my behavior between the ages of 11-13, we all would’ve been in a lot of trouble. But they chose to understand my irritability and moodiness as a stage and not as enduring characteristics.

Sometimes we define ourselves by the judgement of one person. Someone tells us we aren’t good at something and we decide we must not be and we quit. Someone tells us we are too aggressive or too passive or too sensitive, and we think of ourselves in that way from then on.

And sometimes, we define a relationship by a single incident, or a handful of incidents. Or more dangerous still, we define all of our relationships by a single incident. One person lied to me, therefore all people will lie to me. Two people didn’t respond well when I was vulnerable, therefore no one will.

We are far too quick to generalize.

It is important to pay attention to patterns in our life, to learn from our experiences and move forward with wisdom and insight. However, it is also important to keep a broader perspective in mind. Is this a whole day, or just a morning? Is this the entire relationship, or just one interaction? Is this who I am, or just one person’s judgement of me?

When we consciously hold a bigger picture, when we share our thoughts and feelings with our friends and family and hear their honest feedback, we are able to determine when there’s a pattern, and when we are just calling the day at 7:08 am.

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