Shhh.....

My daughter came home from kindergarten the other day and said she had a secret. She had a funny little smile and twinkle in her eye.

“It’s about Mother’s Day. You’re going to love it.” She giggled. She held up a hand still stained with blue paint, presumably from a hand print craft.

“I can’t wait for my surprise,” I said.

“Surprises, not secrets, “she responded.

She knows the drill.

She knows that we don’t do secrets. Secrets are things that are hidden, kept in the dark. Secrets are meant to be unknown and unseen by all others. They are unhealthy for relationships and damaging to our physical and mental health. As they say in 12 step programs, you are only as sick as your secrets.

There are millions of secrets, and as many reasons why we hold them close, but the end result is always the same. The secrets grows in power over our lives and our relationships. Secrets are destructive.

I’ve talked to many people who have held secrets for many years. Secrets of abuse, addiction, pain, illness, financial trouble, fear, and relational destruction. These secrets become a powerful force, motivating, directing, and feeding behavior and emotions.

It is important to be thoughtful and wise about who we share our hidden things with. But, once these secrets are brought into the light, there is the first glimpse of freedom.

Secrets are only powerful when kept in the dark. The truth of the secret can still hurt, but once it is brought into the light it immediately loses much of its strength.

This is a difficult concept to explain to adults, let alone children. I’ve thought a lot about the differences between secrets, surprises, privacy, and confidentiality. How we approach these concepts can have a significant impact on how we approach marriage, parenting, and other intimate relationships.

A surprise is information that we choose not to share for a time, with the expected outcome being someone’s happiness. A birthday party, a present, and a vacation can all be surprises.

Privacy is freedom from being observed or disturbed by someone else. Privacy is space. There is no shame connected with privacy, though sometimes privacy is related to modesty. Privacy is what happens when you are alone in the bathroom, unless you are parenting small children, in which case you probably don’t remember what privacy feels like.

Confidentiality is information that you choose not to share because it is not yours. Confidentiality relates to other peoples’ stories and experiences. What people tell me in my office is confidential; I hold their stories and fiercely guard what they tell me. It is not mine to share with anyone else.

Surprises, privacy, and confidentiality all have natural limits. These limits are met when the information being protected involves risks to someone’s life, safety, or health. When that limit is met, surprises, privacy, and confidentiality need to be broken, and the information shared.

For example, if a teenager tells a friend that she likes someone and asks the friend to promise not to tell anyone else, that falls under confidentiality. It’s not a secret; it’s confidential information. If the teenager tells the friend that she is thinking about harming herself, confidentiality has met its limit. To protect her friend, the young adult needs to talk to someone who can help.

These may seem to petty distinctions, but I assure you that they are not. I want to equip my children with the knowledge of how to navigate these kinds of situations. I want them to have a strict No Secrets policy, and I want them to feel safe to talk about anything and everything in our home. But I also want them to understand the value of privacy and confidentiality and the beauty of surprises. I want them to have a language to approach these concepts. I want a language to approach these concepts myself, as I navigate marriage, parenting, my work as a therapist, and my friendships.

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