It's Not You, It's Me....also, It's Not Me, It's You

The other day I was rushing through the grocery store, trying to remember as much as I could off the grocery list I left at home. I was trying to figure out if I should check and see why my phone was beeping manically or just wait until I was back in my car. I was also trying to ignore my growling stomach, because suddenly I was ravenous.

I turned the corner with my cart a little sharply, and lightly bumped the corner of another shopper’s cart. Allow me to emphasize. It was a light bump.

Before I even had a chance to utter an apology, he exhaled a dramatic sigh of disgust and said, “Seriously?! What’s your problem?” Then wheeled away.

I stood there for a second, a little bit shocked by his response. I had the parallel reactions of embarrassment and anger. I mean, what was my problem? Did he really want to know about my long day, car trouble, forgotten list, and phone that wouldn’t stop dinging? Also, what was his problem? What a ridiculous overreaction.

As I was loading my groceries into the van, I was reminded that his reaction was all about him, not me. My reaction was all about me, not him.

How he perceived, thought, and felt about my cart-handling error was all about who he is and how he sees the world. How I perceived, thought, and felt about his anger toward me was all about who I am and how I see the world.

The way we treat other people says more about us than it does about them.

The way other people treat us says more about them than it says about us.

When I have a reaction to someone, it is almost always because of who I am, how I see the world, my history, and my current emotional health and dysfunction. My actions and reactions are always my own, guided by my inner state.

The converse of this is also true. When someone has a reaction to me, it is because of who that person is, how he or she sees the world, and his or her emotional health and dysfunction. That person’s actions and reactions are his or her own.

This is a concept that is still difficult for me to fully grasp and apply to my own life. I tend to take responsibility for things that are not mine, and blame others for the things that are. I want to manage and take ownership for other’s thoughts, feelings, reactions, and behaviors. For example, I sometimes worry that if I tell someone no they won’t like me as much anymore, as if it is my responsibility to manage their opinions and feelings for them.

It’s not.

On the other hand, I sometimes want to blame other people for “making me mad” or “annoying me.”

Nope.

My feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, my actions and reactions, are all my own. My anger and annoyance belong to me, and are about me. Your opinions and reactions to me belong to you, and are about you.

We certainly influence one another. I ran into that man’s cart. I said no to a reasonable request from a friend. Of course we have reactions to each other. But what those reactions are belong to each of us, and say more about us than what we are reacting to.

The fact is that it is more about me than I ever imagined, and less about me than I ever imagined. When I am trying to sort through all of this, I find it helpful to ask myself what my role in the situation was. What are my thoughts and feelings and behaviors? What can I take responsibility for? What is not mine to take responsibility for?

These are hard questions, and ones I find myself wrestling with frequently. I promise, it’s worth the reflection. There is tremendous freedom and power in recognizing what is yours and what is not yours. I can own that I may need to be more attentive when driving a cart through a crowded grocery store. But that’s all of that interaction I chose to take home with me. That and some extra guacamole.

#boundaries #relationships #laurentshaw #conflict #counseling #therapy #arlingtoncounselingassociates #thearlingtoncenter