To Ourselves, About Ourselves

Yesterday my five-year-old got frustrated and under her breath said,“I am so stupid.”

Most moments, this child is confidence personified. She is fearless and brave, bold and assertive. She knows what she feels and feels it strongly. She is compassionate, funny, tender, and beautiful. The way she sees and responds to the world is a tremendous gift to me.

Yesterday was the first time I heard her question herself. I knew it would happen; it’s impossible to be a thinking, feeling person in the world and not have doubts about ourselves and our abilities. There is certainly a degree to which self-questioning and self- evaluation are healthy things.

But calling ourselves names is never healthy.

I knew this day would come, but she still seems so little. I had hoped that she could be protected from this battle for at least a little longer.

But, yesterday I heard her call herself stupid. I stopped what I was doing and moved over to her. I looked her in her eyes and told her that was not true. That some things will be hard for her, and that's ok because she is persistent and smart.

Later, we talked about it more. I told her that the things we say to ourselves about ourselves matter. And that I didn’t want anyone to speak to her that way; not even her. She laughed at this, and asked if she could have a cracker.

These are conversations with a five-year-old.

I am aware that this may sound like an overreaction, like making a big deal out of nothing at all. But, to me, it was a very big deal.

We all have an inner monologue playing in our heads at all times. Sometimes we are conscious of it and sometimes we are not, but it’s always there. We are thinking and perceiving and judging the world around us. We are filtering our perceptions through our understanding of who we are and how the world works. This monologue shapes our feelings and guides our behavior.

This inner monologue is often something we are not aware of and don’t even know to question. It just goes on, directing our experiences and reactions.

And one of the core parts of the inner monologue, one of the least questioned and least evaluated parts of that narration, is what we tell ourselves about who we are. Are we harshly critical of ourselves? Do we call ourselves names, names like stupid, fat, ugly, incompetent, needy, or failure? Do we tell ourselves that we are too much or not enough? Do we criticize our emotions and actions in a way that is harsh and cruel?

For many, the answer is yes.

Many of us say things to ourselves about ourselves that we would never dream of saying out loud about anyone else.

Brene Brown wrote, “Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.” I think this is a very good policy. We tell the people we love the truth. We work to speak to them gently and with kindness and respect.

We need to become aware of our inner monologues, of what we tell ourselves about ourselves. Not long ago, I realized that I frequently say to myself, “Why can’t you just get your act together?” The words themselves are not very kind, and I was repeating them to myself with harshness and condemnation. And, what’s more, they did not spur me on to “get my act together,” whatever that even means. They did increase my feelings of sadness and anxiety and shame.

Once we become aware of the things we are telling ourselves, we need to talk back. We need to practice gently correcting ourselves and replacing the negative self-talk with more gracious statements.

Replace “I’m so stupid,” with “This is hard. I will keep trying and ask for help.”

Rather than, “Why can’t you just get your act together?” try “There’s a lot going on. Take a deep breath and be patient with yourself.”

I am trying to learn to talk to myself the way I would talk to someone I love. The way I would talk to my daughter. And I am trying to teach her that the way she talks to herself about herself matters.

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