My Junior High Self

Junior high was awful. It doesn’t feel like there is any way to ease into the topic, other than to just put it out there. Junior high was awful.

One of my friends describes junior high as her “dark years.”

A few weeks after my son was born, my husband came home from work to find me sitting on the couch crying. When he asked what was wrong, I tearfully told him that I had just realized this precious baby would have to endure middle school.

I know I sound very dramatic here, but this is how dramatic those years felt to me. Everything felt big and emotional and life-changing and tinted with embarrassment.

Junior high was awful.

And occasionally, I will have an experience that takes me right back to those years. I’ve actually had two such experiences in the last few weeks, and I’ve been thinking about them a lot. Twice in recent weeks I was sitting with friends who were making plans together that didn’t include me. There were logical reasons why I wasn’t invited to be a part of both activities, but in both cases I left the conversations feeling sad and unwanted and a little embarrassed.

Part of the embarrassment comes from the fact that I am a grown up. I am a parent and a professional, and I really really thought that at some point I wouldn’t feel left out any more. That I could not be a part of something and understand it without that emotional reaction. It just felt very junior high.

Most of us have a part of us that is still very much our junior high self. Or, more accurately, we have a big, emotional, tender, and sensitive part of our self. And when it gets triggered, we often feel ashamed that we are still feeling those big and sensitive feelings that we think we should’ve outgrown. So then we add shame and embarrassment on top of the sad and unwanted feelings.

It’s not immature to feel big feelings. It’s not immature to feel sad and sensitive. For most of us, especially the strong feelers among us, it’s part of being human. You have permission to feel those feelings without any need for shame and embarrassment.

When I was in junior high, I didn’t know what to do with all of those feelings. I heard about a comedy project where an actor went around reading portions from her adolescent journals and invited others to do the same. I am pretty sure my journals would be some excellent material for that project. But other than that, I just did not know how to take care of those feelings in healthy ways.

And that is part of what makes being an adult so much better than being in junior high. As adults, we still feel the feelings. And some of those feelings are still big and painful and uncomfortable. But we can learn how to take care of them in healthy and productive ways. We can remind ourselves that what we feel in this moment is not what we will feel forever. We can remember that our feelings give us important information, but they don’t always speak the truth about who we are or what is going on around us.

My first response to feeling left out was pretty true to my junior high self, at least internally. I told myself stories about how “everybody” feels about me and why I was left out. But I caught myself. I took some deep breaths and then a hot shower. I reminded myself who I am and the truths about my friendships and relationships. I reminded myself of the very real reasons as to why I wasn’t included in these plans. And later, I talked about it with some friends, and was reminded that everyone feels left out sometimes and it’s normal to feel bad when that happens. I was also reminded that I am loved and wanted and very much a part of something.

I feel a lot better about it now. I also feel more aware of how I talk and plan around others, and more sensitive to others’ feelings. I think that’s a hidden bonus.

It’s normal to have those big feelings, so reminiscent of a time in life where we were less secure and certain in our sense of self and direction. It’s normal to still have some pockets of insecurity and uncertainty, no matter how grown up you are. But as a grown up, we can learn how to listen and talk to our feelings and to care for them well.

#juniorhigh #adolescence #relationships #feelings #emotions #therapy #laurenshaw #arlingtoncounselingassociates #thearlingtoncenter