The Case for Conflict

It became evident very early in our marriage that my husband and I have completely different orientations toward conflict. I hate relational tension. It makes me anxious and a little crazy, so I pursue unresolved conflict with ferocity, intent on working it out and so I can move away from the tension. Jim hates relational tension. It makes him anxious and a little crazy, so he avoids unresolved conflict (the conflict being the epicenter of the tension) with determination, intent on avoiding the tension as much as possible.

Same motivation, very different approaches.

In one not-so-shining moment of early marital bliss, I was literally following him from room to room in our apartment, trying to force him to talk to me about something, while he was moving away from me, asking for space. Clearly, there was a lot of room for growth.

In the decade since, we’ve learned a lot. He’s learned to pursue difficult conversations and engage conflict. I’ve learned to sit back and wait, to give space when he asks for it, and to trust our commitment to one another and our family. We don’t do it perfectly, but we’ve come a long way.

A key for us has been learning to see the value of conflict. We’ve seen the good things that have come from the hard seasons in our marriage, the fruit produced by the difficult conversations and hard work.

It’s easy to think that conflict is bad, that it is something to be avoided. After all, it’s hard and it’s messy. There are raised voices, tears, stony silences, and uneasy truces. Some conflicts are big and intense and take a very long time to fully work through. Conflict can be hard and exhausting.

But.

But.

Conflict can be hugely life-giving and transformative.

There is so much potential for good when you struggle and fight and wrestle and work through. When you go twelve rounds with each other, persisting in finding each other amid disagreement. When you put the hard work in.

There is amazing potential for growth, both at the personal and relational level. You learn to see each other and yourself in new ways. You grow deeper in your commitment, your relationship grows stronger, and you grow exponentially in connection and closeness.

This is not only true for marriages. It is true in parenting, friendships, and family relationships. Conflict provides amazing opportunities for growth and intimacy. Conflict can be a wonderful thing, the fertilizer in which healthy and productive relationships grow.

I wrote that sentence and then had to stop and laugh about how accurate it feels. Conflict is interpersonal fertilizer. Sometimes it feels and smells and looks like crap. But really amazing things can grow out of it.

It feels important to note that there are destructive and harmful ways to manage and engage conflict. Take, for example, chasing your spouse from room to room. We know this. What we forget is that there are powerful and healthy ways to engage conflict, that can produce relational growth and healing.

I think it’s natural to want to avoid conflict. It is also natural to want to chase it down, just to resolve the tension so you can move on. But when we look at conflict as an opportunity to move toward each other in healthy and loving ways, we open the door to new depths and riches in our relationships.

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