Do You Need Anything? (Part One)

Several years ago, my life hit this perfect storm of hard-and-exhausting but not-quite-devastating events. Imagine the combination of a newborn with colic, a toddler with a broken arm, poison ivy, and chronic ear infections, and the total and complete absence of sleep. I say it was not-quite-devastating, but honestly, it felt Absolutely Devastating. I knew it wasn’t actually catastrophic; no one was dying and we weren’t facing any kind of imminent ruin.

But man, it felt awful.

There were loving people around me who kept saying things like “let us know if you need anything,” and, “can we do anything to help?” And like the true tough cookie that I was, I said we were fine, we had it covered, but thanks so much for the offer. But then I went home and sat on the stairs crying because I didn’t actually feel as fine as I said I did.

One day, one of my friends asked me if I needed anything. As was my pattern, I immediately said no. She looked at me incredulously.

“Really? You don’t need anything? Not a cup of coffee, a few hours’ sleep, someone to do your laundry?”

I laughed and assured her that I was all set. Yes, those things would be nice, but I didn’t need any of those things. I would survive without them.

“Obviously. I didn’t mean what do you need to not DIE. I meant do you need anything to help you be your healthiest and happiest self.”

I had honestly never thought of it like that before.

Sometimes we all need the reminder to distinguish between wants and needs. We need things like food, water, shelter, and human interaction. Things like coffee, sushi, and chocolate are only ever wants.

But there is a lot more nuance and complexity to our needs than that. There are needs that must be gratified for us to continue to function and survive. During the aforementioned season of life, I actually googled “can sleep deprivation kill you?” and learned that sleep is such a basic need that your body will just shut down and get the restoration it needs if you are sleep deprived long enough. We absolutely need sleep, in order to not die. And our body will do whatever it takes to get it.

But then there are other needs, emotional, relational, mental, and spiritual needs. Things that we do not need in order to continue functioning, but that we do need in order to be our healthiest, best selves. I know that I need time to read and reflect, time outdoors, physical activity, and time to meaningfully connect with people I love. I need time where I am not working, time to rest and time to play.

These are needs that we must sometimes set aside. When our families are in particularly demanding seasons, when someone we love is in crisis, when our job places extra short-term demands on our resources. But, when we set these needs aside too often for too long, we will always pay a price.

After that conversation with my friend, I started asking myself “what do you need right now?” As a mom with tiny children, sometimes that question reminded me to meet some of my most basic needs. I needed to drink some water and eat something. I needed to shut my eyes for the ten minutes that both kids were actually sleeping. I did not actually need to vacuum.

And then I would ask myself, “what do you need to be your healthiest self?” Once I got past amusing myself with answers like, “A nice long trip to Hawaii,” I realized the questions helped me pay attention to some inner arenas I had long been ignoring. I started thinking about what I could do and how I could ask for help, and then identifying partial solutions for meeting some of those needs.

When we are our healthiest selves, those around us benefit deeply. We feel better and we can better love and serve those around us. And that makes all the difference.

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