All Is Not Lost

Anxiety has long played a role in my life. It’s like that peripheral character in a TV show that kind of floats around in the background, but every now dominates the scene and steals the story line. I keep thinking that I have written that particular character out of my life, and then it creeps back in.

There are myriad sources and types of anxiety. There are various levels of severity and impairment caused by anxiety, and various appropriate treatment options.

The roots of my anxiety are often complex and nuanced. For me, the anxiety often stems from trying to do too much and be someone different than I was made to be. From trying to manage others’ thoughts and opinions and impressions of me. And from the false belief that I should be capable of Doing It All.

I think that I was a junior in high school the first time I understood this.

A junior in high school.

That feels like several lifetimes ago, and sometimes I get so frustrated that this same specter haunts me still. After all the growth and therapy and prayer and hard work, why does this same issue still come around?

A few weeks ago, anxiety re-entered my life like a lion, stealth at first, then roaring and loud. And immediately I felt so frustrated. Why was I still dealing with this? Why couldn’t I get past it? I felt angry that I had done so much work and was back at square one.

I had to remind myself how healing works. Healing and growth and recovery are not a steady, linear progress. It’s more like a funnel shape process, where we grow and heal at increasingly deeper and more substantial levels. Sometimes it’s three steps forward and two steps back. But the next steps are stronger, firmer, and more solid. It’s ups and downs, but an overall movement toward health.

Even our relapses, our slips, our belly-flops, can be part of a healthy healing process. They can teach and inform and transform us in ways that steady, every-step-in-the-right direction progress can’t do. It would seem so much simpler if growth was a steady uphill climb. It’s just not how it works.

I don’t believe that we ever truly relearn a lesson. We learn it at deeper levels and in different ways. We learn new applications and new truths. We learn more about who we are and who we were made to be. We don’t relearn, we learn more.

I’ve heard couples say that they have the same fight over and over again. And in some cases, that may be true. But I believe that relational growth, like personal growth, often happens in a funnel. We work through and resolve an issue at one level, then as time and growth happens, we come across the same obstacle and have to work through it again in our new season and with our new eyes.

I think that it can be easy to feel like you are back at square one. Like all the hard work you did got you nowhere. Like all is lost.

Take heart. All is not lost. What you need is to stay engaged. Do not despair, do not give up. Keep working at it, keep learning, keep growing. Stay open and keep asking for help. You are on the same path, but not back at the beginning. The work you did in the past brought you here, ready to learn and grow at a deeper level. Be patient with yourself and be patient with those around you, as they work deeper, learn more, and grow in process.

I am not dealing with anxiety the same way I did when I was 16. I have tools and strategies and support that were inconceivable to me then.

I am not back at square one, and I doubt you are either.