Guilty

Last Thursday my son had an event at school called “Muffins with Mom.” Mothers and students were invited to come and enjoy muffins before the start of the school day. The flyer said “Grandmas and Aunts welcome too!!” and when my son read it, he said “wouldn’t it be cool if Grandma Carol could take me?”

I immediately sighed with relief. I have early clients on Thursday morning, and this seemed like a great solution. Travis was thrilled to take Grandma Carol to school. Grandma Carol was thrilled to go.

But I drove to work that day swimming in a pool of Mom Guilt.

The phrase “Mom Guilt” exists because it is such a common experience. Mother are really good at finding things to feel guilty about, whether it’s allowing their kids too much screen time, not preparing healthy enough meals, not throwing a big enough birthday party, not being flexible enough, not being structured enough, not reading to their kids enough, Muffins with Mom…. The list is virtually endless.

And it’s not just moms that feel guilt. Regardless of your role or season in life, my guess is that guilt is often a part of your daily experience. I hear people talk about feeling guilty for working too much, not exercising enough, not cleaning enough, not calling their parents enough, not volunteering enough, not flossing their teeth. Many of the things people respond to with guilt are the things they feel like they should be doing or are not doing enough of. Guilt is intimately connected to a sense of should.

I believe that guilt serves a valuable function in our lives. It is healthy to feel guilt when we do something wrong, when we harm someone, when we act in a way that is incongruent with our values and priorities. Guilt convicts us that we have messed up and that we need to do something about it. Guilt motivates us to take action to right a wrong.

Guilt can be a healthy and useful emotion. But guilt can also get extremely out of control.

Guilt can move from a sense of conviction over a wrong doing and into a general sense of conviction. We can start to feel guilty about things we have no intention of changing, things we cannot help, things that do not involve moral issues. We can feel guilty about choices we consciously make that are in line with our priorities, but that come with a cost. We can feel guilty about being human and having limitations. We can feel guilty about our preferences and personalities. Guilt can get very out of control.

When guilt gets out of control, it is often false guilt. It is not there to convict us of a wrongdoing, it is just beating us up for no good reason. When this happens, guilt becomes an emotional enemy. It’s no longer teaching and motivating us, it is leading us into shame and disconnection.

Much of the guilt we experience is false guilt. When I stopped and examined my reaction to missing Muffins with Mom, I realized this was not useful guilt. I know that I am connected with my son, that we have quality time together, that he was looking forward to taking his grandma. When I examined my conscious, I did not find any sense of actual wrong doing. My guilt came from feeling like I should be there and from fear of what others may think.

It can be unpleasant to stop and examine our guilt. It can be scary and intimidating, because if we do find a wrong doing, we will feel the need to act. But without examining it, we cannot determine if it is true guilt or false guilt. If it is true guilt, we cannot uncover the actions we need to take to make it right. If it is false guilt, we cannot find the freedom to let it go.

The next time you find yourself swimming in a pool of guilt, don’t just stay there. Look at it closely. Is it true guilt or false guilt? Are there steps you need to take to right a wrong? Or is it time to let go of the false guilt and walk in freedom?

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