The Lies Pain Tells

Not long ago I was talking to someone who is bearing a tremendously heavy weight. He feels isolated under the pressure of this burden.

“No one understands. No one knows what it is like to have to carry this alone.”

I ached when I heard him say this. One of our deepest human desires is to be understood, to know that we are not alone in our suffering. And yet, one of the most insidious aspects of pain is that it lies to us and tells us that we are alone. Pain tells us that no one understands, no one could possibly understand. Pain isolates us, tells us that talking about it won’t help, that no one will understand, and that if they do, we will only burden them. Pain lies.

Several years ago, I had an acute case of Lyme Disease. It was horrible. I had no energy and was in a great deal of physical pain. There was this very specific, unique headache that came with Lyme. It was at the base of my skull, and the pain was consuming. I had a hard time following conversations and everything felt fuzzy, like I was hearing it under water. The headache, the fear of the headache, and the fatigue severely limited my life. Even getting up out of my bed felt overwhelming. Perhaps the worst part was how isolating it was. I felt physically cut-off from the rest of the world.

I see that time now as a physical picture of an emotional reality. Physical pain isolates and consumes, and emotional pain does the very same thing. Emotional pain makes it hard to reach outside ourselves, to have the energy and strength to connect with others. We believe that we are alone, and that we have to stay alone.

But that is a lie, and we need to label it as such. The truth is that your pain is unique. Your situation, your heart, your resources, and your experience are all unique to you. There is a way that your pain is your own and cannot be completely shared. But it is also true that pain is pain. We all know pain and hurt, and we all have the ability to connect in the midst of pain and hear and validate each other.

Viktor Frankl, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, wrote “A man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore the “size” of human suffering is absolutely relative.”

There is so much good in that quote. Frankl is recognizing that suffering is an element, an experience that can be shared, regardless of the source. Suffering is suffering, and as human beings in a broken world, we can connect in the midst of our suffering, regardless of its unique form.

If you are hurting, be aware of the lies that pain tells. Pay attention to the messages that no one will understand, that you are in this alone, that it’s just you. Pay attention to these messages and label them as lies. Reach out in spite of these lies. Ask for help, ask for someone to listen, or ask for someone to just sit with you. If you feel like no one understands, find someone you love, and try and help them understand by putting words to your experience. Connection eases suffering.

If someone you love is hurting, be aware that pain is lying to them and telling them they are alone. Reach out to them. You can’t take away their pain or fix it; that’s not your job. What you can do is be with them. Listen to them, validate their hurt. Stay away from statements like “it could be worse,” “at least it’s not…,” or “why don’t you just…” Listen, reflect, and validate. And most importantly, just be.

When I was so sick with Lyme, the pain told me that I was alone, but my friends and family worked hard to combat those lies. One of the most powerful gestures was the times when friends would come and sit with me. I don’t think we really talked about how things were going or how I was; I think they were just there, reminding me that I was not alone in the pain.

Connection eases suffering.

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