When Skies Are Gray

Today it is warm and sunny. We’ve had an unseasonably warm fall, and I am soaking it up. I get outside as much as possible this time of the year, because I know that the warmth will soon be a memory. The days are getting so much shorter, and I know without a doubt that clouded skies and snowflakes are just around the corner. For people who are hurting and struggling, the bitter wind and gray sky seem to echo an inner pain and desperation. It can be hard to find joy on those days. What do you do when you are struggling to find joy? When the days feel gray and bleak and bitter? Most of us are quick to turn to self-pity and distractions. We are quick to spend our time ruminating on why our life is so hard, on what is weighing us down. Then, to avoid these unpleasant thoughts, we flee to any distraction we can find, be it busyness, television, exercise, gossip, sports, electronics, drinking, or whatever else takes our mind off the pain. It seems silly to call this the easy way, since nothing about the path of pity and distraction feels easy. There is another path, a way that requires more effort but is infinitely more rewarding. It is the way of gratitude. Brother David Steindel-Rast said, “The root of joy is gratefulness…It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.” In his brilliant book Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning writes about the Way of Gratitude. He writes, “It is simply not possible to be simultaneously grateful and resentful or full of self-pity.” There is no doubt that life is hard; at times almost unbearably so. There is no doubt that we need kindness, compassion, grace, and gentleness for ourselves and others. And there is no doubt that choosing a life of gratitude can bring us joy alongside the excruciating pain and teach us to live with the kindness, compassion, grace, and gentleness we so desperately need. How do you cultivate a spirit of gratitude? How do you make that choice on a day when it is hard to find much to feel grateful for? First, I believe that gratitude, like any practice, can become a habit. The more that you work on being grateful, the more natural it becomes. I encourage you to sandwich your day in gratitude. As you are getting ready for your day, each day, mentally list 5 things about life you are grateful for. At the end of the day, each day, write down 5 things that you were grateful for about that day. There are certainly benefits to actually physically writing down what you are grateful for. There is something about the act of making gratitude physical that helps it sink in at a deeper level. And, if it’s written down, you can revisit your list on particularly joyless days and recall the good things you have been given. Some people fall into the trap of listing the catastrophes that did not befall them that day….”I am thankful that while stuck in traffic I did not get hit by a semi.” While I am sure you are grateful for that fact, part of the exercise is being thankful for what you were given in that day. Regularly drifting into the realm of gratitude primarily for what did not happen can become a sophisticated way of complaining. You can also cultivate a spirit of gratitude by striving to be alert and mindful. Keep your eyes open for good things. A hot shower might feel particularly soothing when you can categorize it as something to be thankful for. Having your spouse warm up your car for you on a cold winter morning can jump out when you are looking for things you appreciate about him. Alertness can increase gratitude, which in turn increases joy. I remember when we were trying to teach my son how to say thank you. He could say the words, but struggled a bit with the procedure of it all. He would say “cracker please,” and when he got his cracker he would say “you’re welcome.” Sometimes he would say thank you the “correct” way, but more often than not he got it a little mixed up. But there was no doubt that he understood the concept of gratitude. He would invariably respond to focused attention and playfulness with hugs and kisses. I would give him his breakfast and he would smile and laugh. We would sing him a song and when we were done (no matter how poorly we sang) he clapped. His gratitude spilled out of him as joy. That is what I want for you, and that is what I want for myself, on the days where the gray feels overwhelming.