Relational Wounds
- Lauren Shaw, PhD
- Aug 31, 2015
- 3 min read
The other day I was talking to someone was has just been badly burned in a relationship. Someone she loves and trusted used her honesty and vulnerability against her in an incredibly painful way, damaging both their relationship and several others. Sitting with her, I could physically feel the pain and hurt in the room with us, a powerful and oppressive force. Everything within her wants to hide, to shut down. She tearfully looked at me and asked for permission to shut down for awhile. To close up shop relationally. To isolate herself so that she could heal and recover.
So much of me wanted to tell her that would be a good idea. I’ve felt that pain before, been hurt and bruised and wounded in relationships. And I know that everything inside of you just wants to quit. To say that relationships, at least close ones, are too hard and too painful and too much work. To wonder if you are just too tender and sensitive for the kind of pain that comes with that level of relationship, and want nothing more than to pull away and hide, to be self-sufficient and self-contained for awhile. I know that everything inside of you wants to withdraw from any place that requires any level vulnerability.
And while I wanted to tell her that was a healthy solution, I could not do it.
Relational wounds heal relationally. Our world tells us that we are independent and self-sufficient and that we don’t really need other people. We can enjoy other people, but we don’t really need them. I don’t believe that’s the truth. I believe that wounds and hurts that occurred in relationships can only be healed in relationship. We absolutely cannot heal in isolation.
There are times when the healing comes from the same place the wound came from. We exchange meaningful apologies and forgiveness, we talk it through, and we find restoration. Those are beautiful moments. And there are other times when that is not the case. Where someone is not safe to continue contact with, or the person that hurt us is gone, or unwilling or unable to make it right. Even then, healing comes from the comfort, support, and nurturing we find in other relationships. Relational wounds heal in relationships.
This is the great and hidden power of friendships, of family, of community. In connection and engagement with others, we get a chance to do things differently. We can receive love that we needed in the past but did not get. We can watch people fight, make up, and move on in healthy ways. We can disagree and still love and respect one another. We can cry and laugh together. We can hug and yell and be silly and be serious. We can set new and uncomfortable boundaries in healthy ways. We can practice saying “no,” and “I’m sorry,” and “I love you.” All of these experiences add up and have incredibly healing and restorative power, even on wounds that were created long ago.
Sometimes we do need to step back, to sit with ourselves and listen and feel. This can be healthy, but it is absolutely toxic if we stay there for very long. If we want to find healing for these broken and painful places, we need to reach out. We need to bring our hurt and pain to those that we love and trust. It is in and through these relationships that our relational wounds can heal.
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