Endlessly Fascinating

Have you ever been driving someplace familiar and suddenly you are at your destination, and you have no recollection of how you actually got there? You kind of blank out, and before you know it, you’ve arrived, but you completely missed the journey. It’s a pretty common experience, one most of us are familiar with.

There is certainly a temptation to live in that kind of autopilot, just moving from one task to another without paying much attention. But we don’t just do it on roads and we don’t just miss billboards or Walgreens. We do it in life and we miss people. I think the relational equivalent to the blanked out drive is suddenly getting to the end of the day and realizing that you haven’t made eye contact or real contact with another person all day.

I firmly believe that people are endlessly fascinating. That each person is filled with thoughts and dreams and gifts and fears and humor and darkness and light. That we all have stories to tell, stories about what shaped us and what we believe and what we long for. Big stories, about the kind of people we want to be and the moments that break our hearts and the moments that bring us to life. Little stories, about spilled milk and stubbed toes and conflict at work and that funny thing our kid said. And each day that our heart beats there are new territories added, new places to explore and know and understand. People are endlessly fascinating, and one of the great tragedies in life is how often we forget that.

If we are able to remember this basic truth, it will change our lives in two significant ways. First of all, it will change the way that we look at and respond to the people around us. How will it change your marriage if you remember that your spouse is not just the person who sits next to you on the couch and chews too loud? Your spouse is interesting and compelling, and I don’t care how long you have been together, there are things about your partner that you do not know. They have stories to tell that you have never heard.

And not just your husband or wife, but your kids, your friends, your co-workers, the people you sit next to at church or pass by on your evening walk. So much of life can feel the same, day in and day out. But the people we engage have the potential to expand our lives and experiences more than we can ever imagine. If we have active, thriving relationships, we will never be bored.

Sometimes we may know this, but we don’t exactly know how to engage each other. How do we get to a place where we are talking about more than just the weather? Exploring new territory always requires bravery, so it may feel a little scary to start asking questions, but asking questions and actively listening are powerful keys to connection. Sometimes it can be hard to think of questions, so here are a few of my favorites: What was the best part of your day today? What was the worst part? When did you feel happy (sad, angry, scared, excited, tender)? What was the last thing that made you laugh? What was your favorite book when you were little? Why did you like it? Then, when the person across from you is talking, really listen to their answer. Look at them while they talk. Do not even think about picking up your phone. Listen to hear the answer, not to think about what to say next. Listen because learning about people is a gift, because people matter, and because the rewards are so deep and so rich.

The second way that remembering people are endlessly fascinating can change your life is that it means that you are too. You are not boring. You are fascinating and intriguing and you have interesting things to say. I know this to be a fact. You have stories and gifts and honesty, and the world will be better if you share. When you share your true self, you invite others to do the same. You make it safe and welcome for other people to show up with their hearts and their stories, and that is an insanely powerful thing.

I want to try really hard to remember this, and I challenge you to as well. Let’s try and look at others and at ourselves as rich, deep, interesting, and compelling people. Let’s listen to each other well and share ourselves bravely. Let’s refuse autopilot and pay attention.

#relationships #laurenshaw #marriage #connection