It's Not a Competition

I have a 3 year old daughter and a 5 year old son, and lately one of my parenting mantras is, “it’s not a competition.” Because they turn absolutely everything into a competition.

“I beat you to the car.”

“I have more fruit snacks in my package than you have in yours.”

“I finished my lunch first.”

Everything is about who finished faster, who has more, or who did it better. And I repeat, “It’s not a competition.”

Sometimes it seems like such a simple concept, until I am reminded that I do it too. Instead of focusing on my life, my situation, and the path that I have been called to, I look at the people around me. Just today I was processing through some of my feelings about being a working mom. And I found myself listing other moms who work and talking about who worked more, who worked less, who had a “better” situation. I need to hear my own words. It’s not a competition.

I’ve heard it said that comparison is the thief of joy, and competition is a form of comparison. We begin comparing and competing and our joy slips right through our fingers. These mental competitions have two potential outcomes. We compare ourselves to someone else and feel that we come out ahead. We have better hair, a better figure, or our children are better behaved. We win! And yet, we still lose. The act of comparison shrinks us, makes us smaller, meaner, and less gracious human beings. It takes us away from relationships, away from kindness and generosity of spirit. It steals our joy.

Or, we compare ourselves to others and feel that we come out behind. We haven’t accomplished enough fast enough. We are behind, we are less than. The success or good fortune of someone else leaves us feeling like our lives are lacking. We compare and we lose. And we are left with dissatisfaction, discontentment, and unhappiness. Once again, the act of comparison shrinks us and steals our joy.

It is hard to avoid the competition. We all play the game, and the more we do it, the more we get used to looking at the world through the lens of winning and losing. We compare and lose and desperately seek a competition where we come out ahead. Or we compare and win and seek out the same short-lived high again. And the more comparisons we make, the more dissatisfied we feel with our lives and with ourselves, and the less joy we feel.

If comparison is the thief of joy, than I believe that gratitude is the bearer of joy. It is impossible to experience true gratitude without experiencing joy. Gratitude is an exercise that can flood joy into our hearts and into our lives. Being grateful for what we have, grateful for what we have been given, and grateful for the life we are living can help us to stop comparing. It redirects our focus from what we do not have and onto what we have. It opens the doors and windows wide so that joy can rush in. The more that we say “thank you,” the more that we acknowledge the gifts and blessings present in each day, the more joy we experience.

It is not a competition. Comparison and competition steal joy while gratitude bears joy. Choose gratitude.