We're All Learning

By Lauren Shaw, PhD

Last week I was having one of the mornings. Those mornings where everyone is up early and the noises aren’t exactly joyful. The kids were whining and the baby was fussing and I wanted coffee. One of my son’s favorite things to do is to start the coffee maker. He loves pushing the button and hearing the water heat and the beans grind. He looks forward to it every day. But in my hazy, tired, grumpy state, I walked past the coffee maker and hit the button. The coffee started to brew and my son started to cry.

Cry might not be the most accurate word. He actually turned into a wailing puddle on the floor. I wish I could say that I responded with kindness and compassion. Instead I offered a flippant apology. He continued to wail. I said I could not believe that he was throwing that kind of fit. I told him he is too old for this kind of behavior. I told him to pull it together. Truthfully, it wasn’t either of our best moment.

Several minutes later we talked and snuggled and made things right. But as the day went on, I thought about my reaction to him. When he started losing it, my first thought was that I could not believe he was falling apart like this. Over pushing the button on the coffee maker. Shouldn’t he be better at managing his emotions? Where is his ability to self-regulate?

I had to remind myself that he is learning. He is learning how to process, acknowledge, and care for his emotions. He is learning to choose how to respond to strong feelings. He will make mistakes in the learning process. He will weep over a coffee button. He will snatch his favorite toy from his little sister instead of asking for it back. He will yell when speaking kindly would be a better choice. But he will learn from all of these tiny moments and from the feedback and encouragement and consequences he receives.

And because he is learning, he needs patience. He needs grace. He needs guidance. I don’t even expect him to know how to subtract; how can I expect him to know how to self-regulate and manage his emotions all the time?

And the truth is, I am learning too, and so are you. When is the magic age when we have all our emotional baggage together? There isn’t one. As long as your heart is beating, you have opportunities to learn and grow. You will make mistakes. You will weep over missing your morning coffee. You will yell at your children when speaking kindly would be a better choice. But if you stay open and soft and aware, you can learn from all of these tiny moments and from the feedback and encouragement and consequences you receive.

And because you are learning, you need patience. You need grace. You need guidance. Don’t expect that because you are an adult, you should have it all together. Nobody does. We are all learning. We learn at different speeds and in different ways. Our lessons come in different seasons and through different teachers. But we are all learning.

I am going to try to carry that thought with me today. It can be hard to remember, when we give our child a consequences for the same behaviors we gave consequences for twenty minutes ago, but it is because they are learning. Those tiny moments, those consequences, those small interventions will build. It can be even harder to remember that this is also true for other adults, and maybe even most difficult to remember that it is true for ourselves.

We all have opportunities to learn and grow. Stay open. Stay aware. Stay teachable. Stay gracious. Stay patient. We are all learning.

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