The Inner Monologue

By Lauren Shaw, PhD

Not long ago I was emailing back and forth with a dear friend who lives far away. We were writing each other every few days, and sharing at a deep level. Then, she suddenly stopped responding. I waited a few days and then a few weeks. I sent a quick email letting her know I was thinking about her. Still no response. I was convinced she was mad at me. I went back over my emails to see what I could’ve written that might have offended her. I imagined her writing and telling me how angry she was. Almost two months later, she wrote back, apologized for being MIA, and told me about some very difficult things that had been going on in her life. I realized that her silence had not been about me at all; it had been about what was going on in her life and the distractions and difficulties she had been facing. I had filled in the gaps in our interactions and assumed I knew what was going on. And I had been wrong.

Most of us have a constant monologue running in our heads, a stream of consciousness filled with thoughts, observations, judgments, questions, and explanations. While most of us know intellectually that this exists, we are relatively unaware of it much of the time. At random moments we may think about what we’re thinking about, but it’s rare. That inner monologue is how you explain your world. It is how you understand and interpret what you experience, and it has a direct impact on your behavior. Most of the time we are completely unaware of this process. We jump straight from the facts to our judgments and conclusions. A driver cuts you off in traffic. “What a jerk,” you think. Your spouse is late coming home from work. “He must be avoiding spending time with me and the kids.” We forget that these conclusions come from both the event and from our thoughts about the event. Remembering this can make a world of difference. In marriage, parenting, relationships, work, and even casual social interactions, our response is both a response to the situation and a response to the way we are thinking about the situation. And, the way we think about a situation is influenced by our mood that day, how much energy we have to devote to the topic, our personality, our history, and myriad of other sources. Just keeping this concept in mind can decrease defensiveness, make it easier to listen, and decrease the negative judgments you quickly make about others. There can be great wisdom in remembering that we don’t have all of the information. Because we don’t know all of anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, motives, behavior, or past experiences, we never have all the information about someone else. Frequently we don’t even have most of the information.

There is also great wisdom in remembering that we could be wrong. The conclusions that we have drawn may be inaccurate. It’s humbling to remember this, particularly in emotionally charged interactions where we are convinced that we are right. However, as human beings, the possibility always remains. You could be wrong. And finally, it is helpful to try and offer alternate explanations, or stories, in addition to the ones that immediately come to mind. Your spouse is home late from work, and one possibility is that he is avoiding you. Another is that traffic was bad. Or perhaps they were short-staffed at work and he had to work late in order to finish up the day’s tasks. Maybe he stopped on the way home to pick up ice cream. These alternate possibilities can help diffuse some of the emotional intensity and allow you to approach the conflict more calmly and openly. If you can keep in mind that there are other possible explanations, your will be less defensive as you gather information and move forward in your communication. I challenge you to become aware of your inner monologue, of the thoughts and conclusions you are drawing about other people. Pay particular attention in conflicts or when you find yourself making

harsh judgments about someone else. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself, how you are filling in the blanks to jump from the facts to your conclusion. Remind yourself that you could be wrong. Offer alternative explanations. And, when appropriate, share your story with the other person. Ask them if your judgments and assumptions are correct, and listen closely to their response. You may find that they have a very different story to tell.

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