The Soil of Relationships

By Brad Olson, Psy.D.,M.Div.

That Vining Clematis by the garage just didn’t look as nice as the neighbors. Theirs had more blossoms.... big, full, beautiful, deep violet colored blossoms. Why doesn’t our trellis sag from the weight of all those blossoms, like theirs? Sure, ours bloomed and it was pretty enough. You could tell it wasn’t dying or anything. But we wanted bold and beautiful, not just pretty.

So every year I tried something new. Maybe it needed more soil? I tried that. Maybe it needed more food? I tried that. Maybe it was watered too much? I cut back the watering. I know... “Miracle-Grow”... that’s it ... they don’t call it Miracle for nothing. So I faithfully mixed the aqua blue miracle food every 14 days as the instructions read. Well, turns out, it would take more than a miracle for that plant to blossom the way God intended. I gave up... We settled for just pretty.

Years later, we added onto the house. We decided to move the garage a few feet to make more room for grass and the newly expanded house. We had to dig up much of the garden and transplant. We knew this was typically traumatic for plants. As a result, it could be a year before a plant starts to bloom again. We stared at our underachieving Vining Clematis, and though I invested little effort in motivating it to achieve anymore, we decided it was worth keeping anyway. So, we dug it up and moved it... three feet. Yup, three feet... from one side corner of the garage, to the other side corner of the garage... we’ll let it underachieve there.

When I woke up one Saturday morning and looked out the back door, I could not believe my eyes. This was the first summer after the transplant to it’s new home around the corner, and either that plant was grateful we spared it’s life and found the motivation within to live life as a fully blossoming Vining Clematis, or God performed a miracle on that plant instead of the “Miracle Grow.” Our Vining Clematis was more purple than green. It was causing the trellis to bend over under the weight of blossoms. I gladly added “better support for the Clematis trellis” to my honey-do list that Saturday!

I gave up on that plant. I quit feeding it. I barely watered it. I accepted that it was a plant unable to live at it’s full potential. Then we moved it. Three feet, that’s it... just around a corner. Now, it looks better than the neighbors did. What had happened? Why did it suddenly bloom better than ever? Here’s what happened... it simply needed the right soil to grow. The place where the roots feed and provide nutrition for the plant to grow has to be right, or it will not blossom.

Our relationships are the same. If we want relationships that don’t blossom but remain stagnant, then plant the relationship in soil that stunts growth... plant the relationship in soil made up of lies, bitterness, anger, avoidance, minimizing and denying... soil that allows for unhealthy relationships to thrive.

But if we choose to plant relationships in soil made of commitment, integrity, love, encouragement, peacemaking and working through differences... or, plant relationships in soil rich in truth and grace, we enjoy relationship rewards, “blossoms” that naturally develop. The rewards are meaningful relationships- relationships where I am seen and accepted, scars and all- relationships where I know I can be myself, speak the truth, hear the truth, feel safe, and not be afraid of being rejected or abandoned. We call that intimacy, true intimacy.

Where you plant your relationships will determine the kind of blossoms you will enjoy.

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